Even though it's a little scary, I guess I should tell people where I'm coming from.  So here goes...

I grew up in San Diego, (Santee, to be precise).  I have ALWAYS been an exceptionally skinny, blond haired, blue eyed guy.  I had mass allergies and a strong love of Jesus.

I went to Sunday School every Sunday, and had my memory verse ready (usually, to be honest), and went to Royal Ambassadors each Wednesday, and if there was a evening service, I was usually there.  I went to Christian Camp every year, and VBS, either attending or teaching.

By the time I was in High School I was on fire for God.  I was in the (world renowned) Red Robe Choir, and Barbershop Quartet in school, and though I was never part of the IN crowd, I was able to speak to them, so by my senior year, I got 2 of the most popular guys in school to come to our Wed youth group.  I was amazed.

They heard the gospel that night and were quite affected.  After group, but before evening service, one of these guys was sitting on a brick wall beside one of the girls from group, talking.  This offended a couple of elder ladies at the church, and started wheels turning.  By Sunday, I was told those two boys weren't to come back.

My brain was hammered, not to mention all the angst of teen-years, and a darkness settled over my heart.  I cried for answers that I don't think I ever waited for.  Now, I can look back and hear Satan laughing.

I graduated, and joined the Marine Corps.  I initially was going to be a cryptographer (My ASVAB was pretty high), until I learned all of the side effects of that job.  So I changed to Military Police.  I did not do exceptional performances, but I wasn't bottom, either.

Most of what I did, I can't relate, yet. 

But I can say, I had decided Christianity couldn't be right if such hypocrisy was involved.  I began a search of religions, from Catholic, to Anton Lavey's Church of Satan.  I read voraciously, and most of the books would've got me burned at the stake in England.

I was studying the Hermedic Order of the Golden Dawn (a 4000 page book on "higher magick") when I met my (now ex) wife.

I met her socially at a party where I was doing Tarot readings.  She was interested in witchcraft, and we hit it off.  We were married in short order. (My family didn't know at that time about our 'religious' activities.)  Soon after that, she became a full fledged Seax Wiccan (witch), while I practiced HOTGD ('higher magick').

Not long after our marriage, I was sent over seas, unaccompanied tour.  I spent the next year and a half away from my wife, and usually unable even to call or write for security reasons.  I got out of the Marine Corps after 4 and a half years (extended for the good of the Corps.) at my wife's demand. That was right after Desert Storm.

On 'magick', I can tell you it is real, spells do work, and it is all definitely of Satan.  In 'higher magick' I would use names of angels, even scriptures, but always to gain dominance over a demon or devil so I could have him do my will.  Looking back, I am amazed I kept my sanity, because I completed the enochian tablets, and the keys of Solomon.

My wife (we had two marriages, one in my parents church for legal binding, and a 'Hand-fasting' pagan wedding) had a full room for her practice, with a 13 foot circle, four candles in the cardinal directions, an altar, with the four requisite tools.  Everything.

My wife was unable to have kids, so we did not.  We were living in Los Angeles at that time.  I tried to get on to Police Depts, but was told I was over qualified.  It always seemed to me I was over white and over male. i was working security, and doing quite well. I was head of security for 3 malls, two indoor, and 1 strip mall.

After a little incident in LA that caused me to work REALLY hard, and scared my wife, and involved "Why can't we all just get along?", we moved to New York City, where her parents lived.

I, once again got a job in security, and she got a cashiering job, and we continued our 'religion'.  We lived there several years. It was there we adopted a tiny timber Sheppard puppy(75% wolf- 25% German Sheppard).  Because he was our first male, we named him Adam.  He was our child.  He soon grew to 125lbs and over 6' tall when on his hind legs.

One of her friends had moved out to Madison, Wisconsin, and told us there were great jobs out there for us, so we went.

The 'great job' in security I was told about was great, but was weekend only work. I took on a job doing concrete construction.

I did that for years.  I worked as the bouncer for the local collage bar.  (I never did bulk up.  I was incredibly strong, but as thin as a rail.)

My parents told me one of their rental houses had become available (in Santee, Ca) and offered it to us at only $800 a month.  (If you knew the cost of renting a house in San Diego, that was a WOW). So, we moved to Santee (all three of us.)

This was when I began an addiction to porn.

I couldn't get on a concrete crew in CA because I didn't speak spanish.  A friend of mine was working for his father as an electrician, so I apprenticed on.  I studied voraciously again, and was soon exceptionally well versed.  Life was ok, had a decent salary, but, after a few years, I felt like I hadn't been treated fairly at work, so we decided to move, to Smoot West Virginia. (Her brother had found some property.)

So now, suddenly, I live WAY up in the hills, my closest neighbor half a mile away. I'm in a 4000 sq ft house (not counting the finished basement.), on 152 acres of land.  I have a 2-horse barn and a separate chicken coop.  A pool, a basketball court, and a tennis court. EVERYTHING runs on electricity.  We have a well, and an oil furnace (600 gallon oil tank was not cheap to fill.)

I went out and got my Electrical license, and was hired as a journeyman electrician, at the TOP of my wage.  $9 an hour.

The winters were very hard, as we would lose electricity for weeks at a time due to ice storms.  But the solid beauty of everything was astounding.

Then I got a call.  My mother had pancreatic cancer, and it was untreatable.  It took me a couple scary weeks to get enough money to come home.  My wife and I planned for me to move to CA for a year, earn a hunk of money, then go back home to West Virginia.

I loaded everything of mine into a 30' trailer behind my 4 cyl S-10 pick-up, loaded Adam in the cab, and drove the 3000 miles to CA in 3 days.  I only stopped for gas.

I got there a couple of weeks before my mother passed.  She was at home (on Hospice).  i saw a look in her eyes one day, and knew it was time.  I called my brother and sister.  We were all gathered around her bed, and my sister sang, in her beautiful voice, my mother's favorite hymn.  I saw a slight smile on my mother's lips as she passed just seconds after my sister finished.

She was a Godly woman, she was beloved by all, a CA missions leader, a published author, and ignored most of my life by me.

I regret the heartache I must have hurt her with, but she never complained.

Two days later, my grandmother (her mother) died.  Two days after that my grandfather died (her father).

My wife came for the funeral.

We had a beautiful funeral for my Mom, and it was standing room only. When I got home, I found that Adam, our dog, had died at the age of 12 sometime during the funeral.  We buried him in the backyard of my boyhood home.

One week later, my wife's mother died unexpectedly. A week after that, my wife told me divorce papers were on the way.

That is when I found myself flat on my back.  I had nothing left.  The only place to look was up, and, yes, there was Jesus looking down on me. His arms held wide.

I somehow got a hold of a book by Dave Burchett, "When Bad Christians Happen to Good People".  That book turned my life around.  I have given up porn, given up smoking, given up my life.

Now, I spend at least 50% of my check on Christian ministry. I am as active as I am able at my church.  I speak to anyone about the gospel.  I have studied extensively in Apologetics.  I debate atheists and Muslims regularly.

  I looked at where I was and asked, "God, I'm not at the back of the pack, should I follow?"  God told me, "Son, there are times you should follow others, but not always."  So I asked, "God, I'm not at the front of the pack, but should I lead?"  God answered, "I would put you at the front of the pack if I wanted you to lead."  So I asked, "What would you have me do, Lord?"  He said to me, "I put you there because I need you there. You do not pull from the front, but you can always push from where you are."

I am just this guy God has dropped down in the middle of my world. So I stand tall, and push.

So, who are you?

Tags: Middle Man JD

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